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I wish you the success you deserve in this! morningglory original poster member posted at PM on Monday, April 25th, No, I didn't let the man's wife know. I didn't know her well- had only briefly spoken to her a few times, and English was her second language. That was one of his grievances about her, that they didn't communicate well because of the language barrier. I thought, "Well, why did you marry her? This was about 10 years ago. morningglory original poster member posted at AM on Tuesday, April 26th, Superesse, I'm so sorry you went through that.
until I found the naked pictures. That was the boyfriend who outright pledged love, exclusivity and commitment to me, but was gunshy about marriage so I tried living with him. Huge mistake as it was 8 years wasted with someone who ended up cheating and then throwing me out of the house with nothing in the midst of a housing price boom. No settlement, no officially shared assets to split, nothing, all because we weren't married.
So I'm never giving of myself in that trusting way again. It's just too dangerous and it's the last time I'll let a man leave me in the dust with nothing. Not when he was just your "boyfriend", even though it was eight years, longer than some marriages.
I also just can't take it emotionally, giving myself physically to someone who isn't committed and loving enough to make the ultimate commitment. I've been so hurt by men in the past, I'd rather die single than go through that again, being used by a man and then quietly thrown away.
EvenKeel member posted at PM on Wednesday, April 27th, THIS I did OLD during my NB. I can tell you that not everyone is looking for a hook-up. I know it seems like it, but there really are folks out there for which that not on their want list. There really are folks out there looking for a relationship of companionship and connection, etc. I most respected the folks that were very clear with their wants. Meaning, I had one guy who was looking to marry.
He was very open about it in his profile and during communications. He had no problems going through the stages of dating but marriage was his goal. If that wasn't what you wanted which I did not , then he needed to move along. I liked that he knew what he wanted and made it clear. There was no sense wasting either of our time.
We did not get into details further since we were not a match but I would suspect he had no intense in premartial relations either. Whereas another guy contacted me and he said he was just looking for someone to connect with and have hook-ups. He had no interest in a further R. Again great - because it was an easy next for me. You have NOTHING to lose by being straight forward with your boundaries. A person of integrity will be committed with or without that marriage certificate.
Just because a person withholds until M, doesn't mean they are any less likely to cheat just because there is that piece of paper. Look well beyond them just respecting your boundaries. I understand not wanting to date within your church. I ended up leaving my church after my D because it was just too hard with my Ex's and ILs there.
I tried but I just couldn't. But I would recommend letting your church community know you are looking to date because they may know contenders outside of your congregation. Superesse member posted at PM on Wednesday, April 27th, EvenKeel makes my point very well: Just because a person withholds until M, doesn't mean they are any less likely to cheat just because there is that piece of paper. And EvenKeel's follow-up is clearly what I didn't know how to do: Look well beyond them just respecting your boundaries.
EvenKeel addressed integrity; my question is: how can we measure a person's integrity? Like, are there any good means of actually determining integrity early in dating?
Dating protects us from a relationship's most challenging moments having to join funds, join lives, make commitments of various kinds, etc. I'm thinking that we cannot predict how someone will call upon their integrity, until they are faced with a particular situation.
Thus the gamble. Interesting discussion! JanaGreen member posted at PM on Wednesday, April 27th, I agree with Evenkeel. Leading with it is going to weed out a lot of men, but those are the men you WANT weeded out. Best of luck to you. I respect you so much for knowing what you want and not compromising. morningglory original poster member posted at AM on Thursday, April 28th, The three men in my life I'm in my late 40's who said they loved me and were committed to me, yet didn't want to get married, all broke those promises to me eventually.
They didn't all cheat, but as the years passed I learned from their actions that none of them were really committed or deeply loved me, despite their words. So I disagree with your statement. I think that having to put it all on the line, and commit in front of friends, family and officially join together legally and financially, indicates a commitment that just saying the words in private does not indicate. That isn't a guarantee that a married partner won't cheat, obviously. I look upon requiring marriage from now on the way I look upon putting on a seatbelt when I ride in a car.
Will the seatbelt guarantee that I won't get hurt in an accident? But it does reduce the chance that I will get hurt. A man who has taken the step to publicly and legally wed, signing legal documents, yes, is a safer bet than a man who only makes you verbal promises in private.
So many people on this forum were betrayed by spouses that I think they can have a romanticized view of remaining unmarried. My experiences of LTR break-ups were devastating.
I still had to go through a bitter custody battle with one of them. I was financially damaged by another, because we had no legal relationship, I had no financial rights to anything despite having lived with him, helped pay bills, and kept house for him in addition to my full-time job for almost 10 years.
No, "common law marriage" isn't the protection that some people assume it is. In my state, it is a big nothingburger, unless you've both spent years verbally telling everyone you know that you're married, and how many cohabitating couples do you know who actually do that? Just casually dating, no sex and no real relationship has minimal risk, sure. But if you're going to actually have a real sexual relationship and live with someone, share your life, I believe that marriage is the way to go.
Superesse member posted at AM on Thursday, April 28th, Morningglory, I wonder if you took my comment about dating "protecting us" from deeper, more costly commitment as an endorsement of dating over marrying? On the contrary, I was trying to express how it seems really difficult to evaluate a date's interpersonal integrity when there ISN'T that depth of commitment. As in "how does one go about doing this? Ah, I got too poetic! Was trying to express ideas from both sides of the "relationship" see-saw!
My 4 dating years with this man were much more comfortable for him than I think they were for me since I wasn't seeing anybody else. Little did I know he was doing what he was doing You make a good point about the risks involved with choosing to try what some used to call "playing house. Many aren't even love-related.
It is so complicated straightup member posted at PM on Thursday, April 28th, At Uni I was in a choir. About half were Uni age but the other half were older. Numbers of people a rehearsals could vary from about 30 to It was a non-audition choir, there were some very good singers, but no one was excluded.
The people in these groups tend to be a little conservative lots of engineers. Quite a few Christians as well because many got their love of music coming up through church and religious schools. Something like that would be a good way to simply meet people l, bond over a common interest and socialize.
No pressure. And just maybe you will meet someone with similar values you click with. If you are honest and sincere people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway. What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway. Mother Teresa. This0is0Fine member posted at PM on Thursday, April 28th, I'm not putting you down here. I'm going to be as gentle as possible. I think there are conservative men out there. I think there are men that would wait until marriage for sex, that are in their early 20s.
I think the pool of men that would be willing to wait until marriage for sex in their 40s is extremely small. I also think it's a massive risk to not have sex before marriage, and if a man did have that value in his first marriage, he almost certainly would drop it for his second marriage.
I'm unaware of any non-religious men that hold a personal belief that sex should only be done in marriage. You are free to set any standard you want for your potential boyfriend and eventual husband. Just recognize that you really are setting a hard filter that is going to leave you with very few options.
Almost all deeply religious men like that are going to be married by Since this same religious hardline also tends to ban divorce for any reason other than adultery, you would only have access to widowers or men that have been cheated on or that cheated themselves, but I'll assume they are out. So you are virtually guaranteeing a husband with either adultery experience with his ex-wife or a dead wife who died young. Of those, lets say all of them get divorced but only half still retain their hard line on waiting for sex until marriage.
So that's going to be 0. We also have to hit a window that is available to you. Multiply that by how likely the two of you are compatible. That's your chances of success. Anything other than trolling the obituaries for church involved women that have died recently in their 40s and trying to meet their widower is leaving too much up to chance. And that's a very morbid way to go about this Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.
morningglory original poster member posted at PM on Thursday, April 28th, Your opinion, your sexual values.
Your message is completely unhelpful and disrespectful. On my first post I asked people who disapprove of my sexual choices to not post their disapproval of my sexual choices, yet that's what you've done. I already made the point that I don't go onto other people's threads and criticize them for their sexual choices, but you think you have the right to belittle and criticize mine.
I've even shared some not nearly all of the trauma that I've been through in these non-marital relationships. There is a lot of risk involved in them, particularly for women. There's nothing unsure about the perspective I've shared in my posts. I wasn't asking, "Should I do this? You have no advice on how to proceed, so please don't post unhelpful criticism of my sexual choices in an attempt to discourage me and others who might feel the same way, especially using faux numbers that you've pulled out of your um, head.
The only thing I said that I would consider mildly disrespectful if it wasn't meant in a dark sort of humor was my advise you troll obituaries for widowers. It was also my only bit of actual advise other than setting your expectations that men with the very specific values you want, that are available, are rare and inherently damaged.
crazyblindsided member posted at PM on Thursday, April 28th, So far with dating I have found that the men want the sex right away and as soon as it's given up the relationship or whatever it is changes. So I think you have good reason with these boundaries. I'm finding myself disappointed in this dynamic and am almost resigning to never doing the OLD thing again.
I thought it was fun at first, but seems to be a pattern with the men and I hate to be so gender specific but hell that's what I'm attracted to lol. Superesse member posted at AM on Friday, April 29th, Hate to agree but during my post-D dating DECADE, I found the exact same thing would happen, sooner or later usually once the "shiny new thang" phase ran its course for the guys yes, folks, I didn't wake up to that dynamic for a long time, silly woman that I was.
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